Songs I'm Liking Right Now

Friday, August 21, 2009

Momma said there would be days like this

But she didn't say she would cry too!

Yesterday was hell for my Mom and I.

We both went for mammos.
I got called back in.
They saw two things.
More pictures.
Then a sonogram.
Fear inside of me.
Fear inside of my Mom.

I was scared. So scared. But, I didn't realize it until about 10pm last nite. My Mom was scared. She was scared immediatly as she was outside the sonogram room doors hearing nurses calling for scripts. For me.

The nurses were worried about my Mom. They gave her water and tried to calm her. I ran out in my robe to the waiting room to comfort her, but I saw a fear in her face like I have never seen before. And I knew seeing me in the robe didn't help.

Waiting for the results in the room, I had more thoughts that I have had in the past 6 months.

-Who will take care of my Mom if I get sick? If I'm sick, she's sick.
-Tom, just said to me the other day, I've waited for you my whole life. What took you so long to get here? How would he handle me maybe not being here for long?
-How will I pay my bills if I get sick?
-Does my Aunt want me in heaven already?
-How does my friend Mary Lou(who has ovarian cancer..again) do this?
-Why doesn't my brother want to be my friend?
-Why has Tom's friend harrassed me for the past 6 months, for no reason, and why have I allowed this man to harrass me? Insult me? Make fun of me? What if this was my last 6 months? Why did I give this man my time?

The thoughts wouldn't stop.

Until, the doctor came in. And then I sat and waited. Just like I did 13 years ago.

He said he saw two things, he didn't like.
But, he said, he thinks that they are normal.
That my history is bad.
And that I need to come back in 6 months to see if there are any changes.

Last nite, at around 10...I started crying.
This morning, I cried again.

I don't know if I'm crying for me. Or for my Aunt. Or for my Mom. Or for Tom.

I don't know if I'm scared or angry.

Should I be relieved because the dr said don't worry, or should I worry because I have to go back in 6 months.

Are my feelings about now or 13 years ago?

And why did I suddenly feel mad about all the crap my life has seen since my last cancer? And how my Mother is the only one that stayed constant and true to me. That everyone else in my life let me down?

But then again, I'm so grateful for my Mom and Tom that I could shout if from the roof tops. I adore my mother. Adore that woman. And I'm so grateful for every moment I have with her. And I've seen her go thru so much over the past 8 years, and I don't want her to have a drop of sadness ....for the rest of time. She deserves only good things. She is the absolute perfect mother. Caring, loving, giving. She will drop everything for her kids....and always sacrafices for us. She is simply my best friend.

And my husband, he is perfect. He adores me. And it shows on his smile every day when he wakes up. We do everything together. Everything. I spend every day and every night with him. We are silly together, serious together and absolutely crazy in love. I often look at him, and just smile. I can't believe I am married to the man I thought only existed in country songs. I don't want him to be alone. And I don't want him to see me sick.

So, we will wait and see. My gut tells me it will be fine. But, my heart has other feelings.


Anonymous said...

Oh Jenn, you sound such a wonderful family. Sorry I don't notice more posts going through my watching list of yours.
Hoping these are just shadows of nothing. Two things I have recently heard about good things to help. Are blueberries halving some mens prostrate cancers and something in bee stings that reduce cancer tumours. So if your a mad lady, go out and make a bee mad and eat lots of blueberries.

Maybe not I am crazy enough to do this kind of thing.
Keep smiling and having lots of fun together, ths will keep you all special as you truly are!
Bless you so much you sound utterly awesome, all of you!

Tabitha W. said...

oh jenn, i think i just went through every emotion you typed as i read it. i can't pretend to know what you've gone through and what you still have yet to face. i have no witty or eloquent words to offer, so have a (((hug))) instead.