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Monday, November 23, 2009

It's That Time of The Year

Well, yes, Christmas. But, that isn't what I'm talking about in this post, actually. I'm talking about my yearly visit to the oncologist.

It's my yearly post about me freaking out. Being worried. Telling you how dumb I am for waiting to make my appointment, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, since you already know that about me, maybe I'll take this time to talk about another aspect of the appointment. It's another year, of being childless.

I don't talk about it much, with anyone except my Mom and Tom. People usually don't ask and I usually don't mention it.

Every year when I go to visit my oncologist, I secretly think to myself, I'm one year closer to not having children.

I never thought I'd be 37 and childless. Heck, I would have never thought I would have found myself 27 and childless. Ever since I was a little girl, I pictured myself as a Mom. It was really all I ever wanted. As simple as that might sound, all I ever wanted was a happy home, that held a happy family.

Well, it took me a while to get to the happy home, and therefore, the window of my opportunity to have a baby has become smaller. And most days, I've come to terms with the thought that I might be mothering fur babies forever. Or secretly hoping my brother has a baby soon so that I can love it up.

Tom says, when things are ripe, they are right. That if things are supposed to happen, that they will. And that good things are always going on in the background, we just don't know it.

I think he's right.

If it's my fate, not to have children, it's because there is something else in the plans for me. But, let me tell you, if it's my fate to have a little tricycle motor, I would jump over the moon with joy. And I know he would too.

I am with a wonderful man, of whom, I can't express enough gratitude for. I never ever thought I'd find myself so happily married. With someone who smiles at the sight of me. And who tells me daily how lucky he feels to be with me. And while for a while, I thought this was the type of relationship that I would only see in romantic comedies, I got the real thing.

So, I guess what I'm saying is who knows. What you think may never happen, sometimes does. And what you think is is supposed to happen, sometimes doesn't.

But, at least, there are choices and chances. We live a life that's unpredictable.
And maybe once you have the realization that nothing in life is guaranteed to happen exactly as you pictured it as a little girl, you can learn to appreciate and really enjoy the moments you get that are.

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