Monday, March 28, 2011
Holding His Own
I worry about him sometimes.
Like this morning when I was driving to work. I was thinking about what would happen if my cancer came back now. Not so much about what would happen to me, but what would happen to him.
We need both our paychecks to keep our house. If I go, can he do it on his own?
And, if he keeps the house, will he feel weird finding someone new and bringing her back home?
The two of us, are so dependent on one another. And I don't mean it in the independent/dependent way. I'm mean it like, I need him, because I want to need him, not because I have to need him. And I pretty sure he feels the same.
And don't get me wrong, I love it that way. But, I've never really been needed by a man, in this way. Really needed, because he wants to need me. Not because he needs to need me. If that makes sense.
But with that, comes the fear of what will happen, if I get sick again.
Don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. But once you have cancer, I think it's always there, sitting on a shelf in the back of your mind. Your thoughts are never cancer free. And, therefore, neither are you.
I worry about him.
He has always been a guy to hold his own. Pay his way. Do his thing. A cool dude. A handsome music man. But, now he is my husband. And, he takes that "job" very seriously. And I know what happens to me, happens to him to.
I get like this whenever something big in our life happens.
I get like this whenever I don't feel good.
I get like this sometimes, for no reason at all.
I guess it's normal.
When you really love someone, you worry about them during you, and after you.
Before Tom, I remember thinking, if something happens to me, I'll just an old story someone tells. But, now, I feel like I'm more than that. I'm part of someone's story.
And it's a good thing.
It's good to be a person who can hold there own. But, it's even better to be the person someone can hold on to.