Ok, so, today I go back for the mammo/sonogram follow up I wrote about 6 months ago. When I went for my first mammo, they thought they something, then they said it was nothing. But then, to be sure, they told me come back in 6 months. Which is today.
Well, today is 6 months. I'd be lying if I said, I haven't worried about it every day for the past 6 months.
I'm a big of fan of second chances. Some of the best things that have ever happened to me, have come out of my second chances. But, gosh, I'm happy right here where I am so, please God, don't make me use up on more of my chances.
At 24, I had ovarian cancer. While it turned my life upside down, I didn't realize at the time, how much it would teach me. Until I looked back. And I can't say I'm grateful for the cancer, but I'm grateful for learning how to appreciate life and not to take any moment for granted. I'm still learning from this second chance.
Around my 30th birthday, I found myself in a failing marriage. While that also turned my life upside down, I didn't realize at the time, how much it would teach me. Until I looked back. And I can't say I'm grateful for a failed marriage, but I'm grateful for learning what I wouldn't want in my life again. And what I did want. I adore my marriage. I appreciate the gift of Tom. And I never, ever take him for granted. I learn something good from him every single day. And the smiles? They never stop.
So, I know how lucky I am for the second chances. For the lessons. For the reality checks and for the aha! moments.
But, I'm ok right here, really. I mean I know life will always teach me lessons, as I go. And I know my imperfections will always be here and I will try and work on those. But, God, I don't want any more "big" lessons.
Please hear this prayer.
I'm forever grateful for my second chances. For the beauty I've seen grow out of the ugly. For the moments I'm in now, because of the moments, I had then.
But I'm really hoping today won't be the start of another really big lesson. If you please make this mammo/sono a good one, I would be, again, forever grateful. I know I have gotten a fair share of second chances, so I fear I'm going to run out of them. So, could we skip this one? I keep hearing three strikes your out, in my head. And since you've already given me two really big gifts, I'm afraid of number three.
I found "something" in my self exams. I'm hoping it's just an M&M that got stuck, but for the past month, I've been worried sick, not so much for me...but for my Mom and Tom. My two best friends.
I worry about them.
So, God, please don't make me use any more chances.
I'm happy right here. Grateful. Happy. And peaceful for the first time in my life.
Please, let me keep it that way.
I love you,