On Friday, my mom and I went to a Candle Light ceremony for gynecological cancers at my doctor's practice. It was led by Dr. Pearl's wife, Dana, and followed by a garden dedication and survivor stories. It was absolutely beautiful.
I never went before and I don't really know why I chose this year to go.
Maybe because I felt the need to be in a community of women who know how I feel.
Maybe because Tom's mom, Joan, passed away from Lymphoma this year. That made me think about the effect loss has on a family. I've seen the unfairness. She was too young. She was too pretty. She missed seeing her son's first home. And that makes me so sad. They both deserved that moment.
Maybe because my friend Bill died this year, tragically. That made me see that you don't have to be sick to be taken in an instant. His death taught me it's not about tomorrow or yesterday. It's about this moment right now. Call your friends back. Give hugs for no reason. Tell people you love them. You never know when that hug will be your last.
Maybe it was because I needed to go ...for me.
I feel lucky. I feel guilty. What makes it ok for me to still be here and others go? Why do people think I was brave? Don't people know when you have Cancer you have no choice? How did I escape chemo? Why when I tell people I didn't have it do they look at me like I didn't have cancer?
Why me? Why not me? It never goes away.
Truth is, once you have Cancer...you have it for life.
Don't get me wrong I am ever so grateful. I have an amazing doctor. I have an amazing mother. I have an amazing second chance.
But somedays I still wake up and Cancer is my morning thought. And that is not so amazing.
I lit that candle for Joan, for my Aunt Angie, for my Mom, for my grandmother and for my ovarian cancer sisters. And I lit the candle for me.
All in the hope that little light will shine on.....